INITIATION
let her grow
Initiation is Integration. Integration of who I used to be and who I am becoming in the wild act of being fully present at the altar of this moment.
RIPENING
Let her grow, that is all she ever needed. That was one of the voices that came through for me when I sat on the threshold of initiation a while back. It made me once again clearly aware of all the ways I again and again convince myself to inhibit my own growth because that seems safe. It made me also think, no wonder we seem to arrive in so many stages of our lives not quite ripened. So often it seems that the exterior doesn’t quite match the interior. We uphold what once was true because it is familiar and therefore registers as safe. We also remember what it took to get here and want to protect what we achieved at all cost. But we can also not quite shake the feeling that now it feels a little hollow and maybe effortful to keep up, when really all it ever needed was for change and transformation to allow to run their course.
To dismiss what is can never be the answer, so I was curious. What does it take to fill this space once again with essence? What does it truly mean to grow, to ripen, to mature, to change both in form and in essence, to acknowledge the thresholds of initiation and let ourselves be changed and transformed in the fire?
Each moment offers an open door into initiation if we choose to see it, and to accept it as the rite of passage that it is.This is not a challenge to overwhelm ourselves, to play catch up, to try to compensate for lost time. It is our choice where we want to focus, and it definitely needs that, focus. But I really saw, I am already on the journey, change and transformation are inevitable. To bring our awareness to it, that is actually an invitation that we get in this moment, and in this, and in the next, again and again in some small way, the smallest of ways actually. It is never too late, we have never missed the moment. It is always now and awareness is the key. It will look different every time.
ON THE THRESHOLD
I just recorded the last poem of a poetry series called Threshold Weather – Voices of Initiation yesterday, to share on social media. A process that had me once again show up at the altar of initiation. I had written the first lines to the first poem over 6 years ago. The process of writing those poems, then publishing them and then recording them allowed me to sit in the process of time melting into space and truly commit to full presence in this moment.
Each of those poems, from creation to sharing have been a threshold and initiation. Whenever I revisited them each step of the way, they beckoned me yet again to step into initiation. Over the past few years they have shown up again and again, have been a guiding light to take this pause, which is in the end, in my experience, all it takes to take the first step to show up to the hearth of initiation. They became an invitation to sit down on the threshold and listen to all those different voices that were alive between the lines. Of course I remember their creation and what was alive in me then, what experiences were present and flowed into them. But now looking back they also make me fall awake to the fact that our stories are not solely made up of the knowledge that comes with experience. Within those poems I now today find answers, and parts that resonate with who I am today, which I was utterly unaware of at the time when I wrote them. Still those aspects of me were already alive then, already present, already active in my creative process.
That is one of the reasons why I find the creative process such a beautiful and powerful way to step into initiation. Within it it becomes possible to really allow all those different parts within me to show up. Arriving now it feels like a gift that I am receiving. It reminds me how we leave clues for ourselves along the way always and all ways. How who we are becoming is already alive in us, while we are growing always, guiding us, like the chrysalis already carries the blueprint to the butterfly.
SMALL ACTS OF REMEMBERING
The most powerful way for me to take the invitation that lies between the pages of our daily lives to consciously embrace initiation for me is to find those small acts of remembering within the pages of our lives that support us in taking that pause, in being here. Consciously showing up to putting the different puzzle pieces together from where we are standing right now. That to me is what re-memebering truly means. It changes the substance of life. Over time it expands the possibility for flow in our daily lives, allows room once again for what is the only constant in my view, which is change. There is something powerful that we get to ignite if we meet change half way, if we say yes to showing up to the altar of initiation. It opens space to fall awake to what is always available just beyond the fear. And this is not an invitation to repress fear, for me fear is a natural part of initiation. It is rather a practice to hold fear and sit with it, allow the emotion to run through our bodies, without getting stuck, but at the same time, dare to peak.
To me to pause is often all it takes to show up at the doorstep of initiation. To allow ourselves to sit on the threshold, not caught up in what is ending or already reaching for what is beginning, but taking that breath that pause, inhabiting that in-between space in full presence, that in itself is already an act of initiation to me. For in it the room expands to acknowledge all the different parts of me that are on different stages of growth. And it also effortlessly points me towards those aspects in myself that ask for my attention, that need my presence, that need nourishment so I can step over the threshold.
Understanding that growing means growing out of, as well as growing into, which isn’t dismissal or rejection, or constant reaching from a sense of lack, overemphasising the gap between here and here, now and then but just a shedding that is part of the process. Yet there will be a sense of grief for what was that wants to be met with compassion as well as the fear of the unknown. Lingering long enough on the threshold to allow courage to grow from the inside out and to be present in the act of initiation.
NOURISHMENT
This becomes so much more accessible and possible when we feel nourished. So for me committing to showing up at the threshold of initiation also means a deep commitment to nourishment, which is staying connected to what makes me come alive. It might look different on different thresholds. But ultimately we are only ever asked to show up in this moment, to one threshold to create in resonance and evolve into nourished presence, that in my eyes is what it is to embody the bridge that it is to be human.
The threshold I am sitting on today is opening this Blog, this for me today answers the call of the voice: Let me grow!
I hope it lands between the pages of your life as nourishment and inspiration.
WRITING PROMPT
“Let me grow, it’s all I ever needed.” Nourishment is calling you.
Choose the word below that resonates with you right now and allow it to be your threshold into free flow writing.
~ soil ~ water ~ light
I recommend to commit to at least 5 minutes.
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